I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
