so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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