I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
