Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
