Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
