I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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