dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
im drinking this country out of the recession.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
