when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Randomize
