I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just threw up on my dentist
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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