you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
