i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
