i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
