He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Randomize
