I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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