Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
