I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
