The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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