I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
