I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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