Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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