I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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