Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
