tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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