How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
