In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
