I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
