I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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