shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
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