So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
