Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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