Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I want to fling myself into the sun
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