We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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