If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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