he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
