I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
