The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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