the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Let's get the cat blown out
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize