I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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