you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
