I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
