Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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