My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
