Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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