loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
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