I think I just saw someone hide a body.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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