is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
