i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
