Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
