i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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