you have to choose: penises or morals?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
