Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize