went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
