The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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