The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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