we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
