Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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