Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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