I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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