Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
