Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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