I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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