all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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