i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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