she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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