im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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